We return this week to a familiar and all too often heard storyline. Sitting with us as a guest in the studio today is a figure we have been trying to get on the blog for years. He’s made his way into the stomachs of Americans and forged a path through family gatherings that would have squashed a pumpkin of any lesser character. Without further introduction, I give you Mr. Pumpkin, a gourd from the other side of the patch, carving out this unique, untold, and unprecedented story.
Interviewer: Welcomed to the blog Mr. Pumpkin, and thank you for agreeing to be interviewed. It’s an honor to have you here today.
Mr. Pumpkin: It’s a pleasure being here.
Interviewer: If you don’t mind, I’d like to jump right into the fray. We understand you’ve got some issues you’d like to get off your plate, is that correct?
Mr. Pumpkin: Yes…yes, I do. I feel you took a couple of bites out of us pumpkins last week in your blog that were not fair. The things you wrote about were offensive to me, and frankly to the whole Pumpkin Nation. We pumpkins have a long history of blending in, and there’s been an insidious movement to change us, to make us have more of a presence.
Interviewer: Are you saying my comments are part of some longer history of prejudice?
Mr. Pumpkin: Yes, one that I believe probably started underground, with tuberous roots going very deep. For many generations we survived by the skin of our teeth.
Interviewer: Whoa, that’s quite a mouthful there. Care to elaborate?
Mr. Pumpkin: First, let’s get something straight. All pumpkins are created equal. We all may have different faces, true, but pumpkins are more than the sum of our parts. We never wanted to stand out in the mix of things, be the cream of the crop, or any of that. We just wanted our inalienable right to a slice of the great American dream pie. We’ve been accused of “blending in”, BUT we are not without spice. We got fiber, us pumpkins. And we’re edgy. You want edges? I’ll show you some edges!
Interviewer: I see. You are saying there is no accounting for tastes.
Mr. Pumpkin: Yes, and in your essay, you made us sound average at best...
Interviewer: …like something astronauts suck out of a toothpaste tube when they are in space.
Mr. Pumpkin: THERE! There! You did it again! And what’s with the interstellar space reference? We aren’t weightless blobs just floating around!
Interviewer: Don’t you think you are being a bit dramatic? Remember, you ARE served LAST at the table. You seem to be upset that we have portrayed you as nothing more than roughage.
Mr. Pumpkin: Your words, not mine. May I remind you, sir, that we are served up on a SEPARATE plate, not in the mix with the other dishes. What does that tell you? It tells me that we have secured a critical place at The Big Meal. Yea, that’s right. I’m talking turkey here, and Lord knows they’ve had their troubles too. But when you take a bite out of our character, it’s not only our integrity and decency you’re attacking but our pumpkin-hood.
Interviewer: (silence)
Mr. Pumpkin: And vitamins? Don’t get me started…and may I add I’ve got a lot of celery and zucchini buddies that feel as strongly as I do. I even got a call from a distant cousin, a watermelon friend of mine, who suffered years of abuse at the poor handling of this issue by the press.
Interviewer: Well, if you can’t stand the heat… perhaps it’s time you get out of the kitchen. Have you thought about retirement, or another line of work? Perhaps some volunteer work at your local shelter for carbohydrates…
Mr. Pumpkin: What?! Ridiculous! And be demoted to pumpkin YOGURT, or worse, part of some wildlife seed mixture? Jack-o-Lantern’s your uncle! Not gonna happen, no sir! Not in this lifetime! I say, give me a can of whip cream or give me death! Ask not what your pumpkin can do for you, but what you can do for your pumpkin! You must become the pumpkin you want to see in the world! The only thing we have to fear, is canned pulp itself…(fading).
Interviewer: Those words sound vaguely familiar. Are you sure you didn’t lift those from the Pumpkin-opedia? hmmm, I think…(yawn)…it’s time for my nap…